— Dad, we're not going to the library today, are we? I'm very tired, it's been an intense day at school, then basketball training and we're almost at the end of the week, I feel exhausted and I don’t have the energy to make a present for mommy.

How should we talk to our children to help them and teach them to persevere to achieve their goals? Conscious parenting provides some guidance. This concept was developed by clinical psychologist and best-selling author,  Dr. Shefali Tsabary.  Conscious parenting views parenting as a relationship based on children as independent, evolving beings who can teach parents to become more self-aware. Moreover, instead of correcting and controlling their children, parents let go of their expectations and connect with their children. Communication becomes a key element to this way of parenting.

How should I respond to and connect with my nine-year-old daughter? How can I make her feel that I listen to her and that I understand her? And how do I do so that she doesn't give up and agrees to the library?

My first instinct was to tell her about the importance of persevering:

—I understand you, my love, although you know that we are building the habit of going to the library every day. Do you think I feel like it? No, I don't feel like it today, but we both know that it's because of something more important than the two of us. You want to give mom a gift for Mother's Day, something special, a surprise box full of your creations; a poem, a bracelet, a story, a book brand and a painting, right?

—Yes, Daddy. But today I am very tired— she responds to me with hardly any energy.

—I want to write my first book, which will help a lot of people and make the world a better place. And even if we don't feel like it, we have accepted the mission. We knew that there would be days like today when we wouldn't feel like anything. Can I tell you a secret? People don't achieve their goals because on days like today they surrender to tiredness and laziness and convince themselves that it's okay not to go one day. And the same thing happens the next day and the next and you end up sabotaging yourself and your goals.  Therefore, we are going to enter the library and take a few steps. Because  even if it is only ten minutes,it is a step to fulfilling our dreams..

She looked at me with resignation although with brighter eyes.  With determination, we went into the library and sat down at a free round table. I started to write, and she started to draw a picture. An hour flew by without our realizing it!  And the most surprising thing was that she didn't want to leave.

Conscious parenting teaches us–and my experience as a parent confirms– that children understand more than most adults think. We are in a privileged position to raise and shape our children and at the same time, it is an enormous responsibility.  It is crucial to know yourself and become aware of how you are in order to respond appropriately.

Facing fatherhood consciously has led me to look for tools that I felt I needed and that I did not have. The SPIRE method has helped me to get to know myself and discover the origin of many of my reactions. Another helpful resource is  The Art of Talking to Children, by Rebecca Rolland,

Rolland writes about the art of engaging in "fertile conversations" with our children. Assuming that there is unconditional love,we can have "fertile conversations" by being present, listening carefully and answering our children’s questions. We also invite them to give us their opinion without making them feel that we are examining them, making it a game of discovery and not preaching.

I realized, in retrospect, that I was lecturing my nine-year old daughter that day at the library. I was able to connect with her by sharing a wonderful lesson, with empathy, determination, honesty, and vulnerability. However, we could have had a more “fertile conversation” instead of the monologue, if I had posed some open-ended questions to elicit why we were going to the library that afternoon even if neither of us felt like it.

When you are aware of how important your behavior and your language are for the future of your children, your life changes completely.

It's not about giving them what our parents didn't give us, nor about replicating how they treated us.  Rather,  the secret lies within us to educate from a balanced, healthy and loving personal state. Conscious parenting teaches us that the start of raising happy, resilient children is by knowing ourselves. As they say on airplanes: in case of loss of pressure of the cabin, put on your oxygen mask before helping others. This maxim is crucial in parenthood.

When you are aware of your role and responsibilities, your life is going to change. In short:

Be conscious of your language and your behaviors. Children learn by example so aim to model positive behaviors.  

Continue to learn and seek out tools that build your self-awarenss and your parenting style. My version 4.6, as I like to call it (I'm 46 years old), is very different from 4.4 when I started HSA and learned the SPIRE framework.

Enjoy learning, connecting, and talking with your children. Listen, empathize, connect, invite them to find the answers instead of giving them the answers. Have fertile conversations, ask open-ended exploration questions, and don't forget to have fun!  

Conscious Parenting starts with you. Fatherhood is a challenge to get the best out of you, consciously. Happiness is within you and in each one of us.

As Gandhi said, "if you want to change the world, change yourself."