Relational well-being-the “R” of SPIRE- is the single best predictor of happiness. Good communication with others is at the heart of relational well-being.  And the start of good communication is listening.

Listening is a process that combines patience, attention to detail and open-mindedness. The key to great listening is to know that there are 3 levels of listening.

To understand these three levels, think back to a wonderful vacation that you have had.  Now, picture yourself sharing that experience with someone else:

“I am so excited about my recent trip to Italy and I want to tell you all about it!”

Level 1: Subjective Listening

What if your listener responds with,

“Well, I’m going to Paris next week.”

How does that make you feel?

Pretty awful. You have just been dismissed.

This level of listening is used by people who want to be in control and do not really care about what others are saying. It’s “one-upsmanship” and is all about the agenda of the listener. Another instance is when listeners assume that they know what the speaker is going to say and they interrupt to make their point.  It ignores the speaker and leaves him feeling disconnected and put off.

Subjective listening also occurs when listeners focus on themselves and their reaction to what is being said.  They might even be judging the speaker. In that case, while someone is speaking, listeners focus on the point they want to make.  It might even arise while daydreaming or thinking of something else.  Finally,

Be aware if you fall into any of these trips and slow down to listen actively to what is being said.

Level 2: Objective Listening

This brings us to the second level of listening.

Suppose in response to your enthusiastic share about your vacation, the listener responds,

“How great that you went to Italy!   Tell me more about your trip.”

How does that make you feel?

Much better, right?

This is objective listening, when the listener is completely focused on the person who is speaking. This level is very effective for making the speaker feel heard and for building rapport with the listener.

To practice this level of listening, pay close attention to what is being said.  When you respond, you can paraphrase or use the speaker’s words to show that you are paying attention.  You might even summarize what you have heard and then ask a follow-up question. 

Level 3: Intuitive Listening

Now picture what you would say in response to your listener’s question.  What details would you share? 

What if your listener responded as follows,

“Knowing how hard you work, it must have felt great to get away and experience the beauty of nature and art in the company of your partner. “

How does that make you feel?

In this level, the listener is putting himself in to the shoes of the other person. The listener focuses on tone of voice, energy level, passion and feelings of the speaker and is able to understand what he or she is truly looking for. This is the skill of listening between the lines to get to the heart of the matter. That is why it is the most powerful form of listening since it creates a deep connection between the speaker and the listener.

To practice the deepest level of listening, ask an open-ended question and pay close attention to the body language and other non-verbal clues that tell you how the speaker is feeling.  Withhold any tendency to judge the situation.  Tolerate silence.  And allow the speaker to continue sharing until you have a good sense of what is really going on.

The power of deep listening is that it draws other people in and makes them more likely to want to connect with you.

Bottom Line:

You can start to become a better listener by being open-minded and understanding your own agenda when interacting with others. Then imagine what the other person wants and needs in this situation. Then you are ready to have a conversation.

And once you are able to listen more effectively, notice how it deepens your relational wellbeing and your happiness!